Keep rolling, keep rolling, keep rolling with it.

So much to do and so little time. It’s as if I keep completing the same things on my To Do list again and again, and nothing on it is ever well and truly finished. I’ve had the same manuscript on my list since at least February and it’s still there, still waiting to have its references collated, still waiting to have its tables proofread, still waiting to be submitted for publication. I’m determined to get it done this week and if I don’t I’ll assume I’m too dumb to write a paper, and shelve it.

I’m surprised I have time to think amongst all the work I do. I’ve literally been typing non-stop since 8am, attending to emails, typing up a progress report, uploading material for my professional portfolio page, more emails. And yet my mind has been buzzing with things completely unrelated to academia. With the past and everything that’s happened and is yet to happen. What crazy hectic bittersweet shenanigans are awaiting me in the next chapter of my life? Who’s going to die next? Where am I going to work? Who’s going to break my heart next? And how long is it going to take to rise above that again?

And so it goes.

So you’ve got to keep rolling, keep rolling, keep rolling with it. Keep rolling with this insane life where, at least in academia, you’re always up to your neck in teaching, marking, or research, and you never really get a chance to dig yourself out of it and have a moment to collect your thoughts. Well, I suppose that’s an exaggeration. I do have a daily 5-minute existential crisis where I sit blurry-eyed in my office, having been staring at my screen for unhealthy amounts of time, mumbling a series of metaphysical conundrums that question the meaning of my existence in this seemingly futile educational journey.

Then again, I suppose life could have been worse:

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There’s still hope for women in grad school, surely. Compared to 60 years ago, when ‘PhD student’ referred to young stellar-brained white middle class men in Howie coats, it’s a sign of the trend towards recognising women’s talent in intellectual pursuits, particularly in psychology, which is now dominated by women at both undergraduate and graduate levels of education. I suppose, in a way, we’re getting there in terms of gender equality, and maybe in terms of human flourishing. But we’ve a long way to go yet.

Sometimes the state of graduate education seems like a mirror image of my PhD. And when your mind is both occupied and preoccupied with the same line of research day in day out for years on end, that seems pretty bittersweet indeed. There’s just so much to do, I don’t even know why I’m posting about it when I should be working. This is crazy. This is all crazy.

And so it goes.

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