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There’s an irritating side to being a bit mad. Your mind wanders continuously, you can’t concentrate on anything for more than a moment, and you find yourself constantly trying to remember what you’re supposed to be doing – whether it’s writing a paper, putting the washing on, or just getting to sleep. You stop in the middle of the road, halfway through a book, mid-sentence in an article, as if life isn’t supposed to be continuing without those you’ve left behind. A year ago or six months ago or last week, you’d never have belived you could live without the things – and the people – that matter the most in your life. Then something happens, and they’re gone. It feels like the world has ended for a while, but then, eventually, you realise it’s been a week, six months, or a year, and you’re still here, still alive, still walking slowly along the journey. We have an unprecedented capacity for adaptation, even to the worst of circumstances and even in the face of the most harrowing injustices. That doesn’t mean that we should accept the world as it is and never try to change it. It just means that sometimes it takes a tragedy to realise how strong we are.

My mind wanders restlessly from one thing to another, never stopping for long, and constantly in a state of curiosity. I’m afraid it isn’t a very ‘good’ type of curiosity though, it’s more of a confrontation with the world and a demand to know why bad things happen to good people. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do children die? Why do loved ones get derailed? Why are we surrounded by all the wrong people, and those we need the most are miles away? There’s no answers to these questions, and no reasons. We’re far too logical sometimes, we always need to know why things happen and how they’re justified. Our society is built on it. Law prosecutes those who commit offences, it isn’t supposed to harm innocent people. Welfare is handed out according to need, people with enough aren’t supposed to get any. We built society with the understanding that people should get what they deserve. But life doesn’t work like that. Bad people get away with bad things, and bad things happen to good people.

Wandering Mind Syndrome is the way the mind wanders when preoccupation with the woes of the world overflows, becomes overwhelming. It’s a kind of madness that creeps up on you when you can well do without it, when you need to take stock of the world and move on, and instead you find yourself lying awake at night, for hours on end, wondering, wandering, and feeling the rage of powerlessness in changing all the things that are wrong.

My mind wanders constantly, never stopping for long. Why this, why that, how can things be justified, what makes them acceptable to society. Even if something is acceptable to society, sometimes your conscience still bothers you.

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So, this is the beginning. I’ve had this WordPress blog for some time now (actually about four months), but haven’t had the motivation to post in it. And whilst I’d like to blame work, illness, and other mental preoccupations for that, I know deep down that it’s more because I’ve been too lazy to just get on with it. Anyway, here I am.

It has been at least three years since I have blogged on any website and at least ten months since I have written in my diary, meaning the last time I blogged I was a pessimistic, angst-ridden teenager, and the last time I wrote in my diary I was truly happy. Now, after all this time, I find myself somewhere between these two extremes, neither as down in the dumps nor as blissfully elated as I was before. To borrow a lyric from Pink Floyd, I am comfortably numb.

But I’m not sure if I want this blog to be just a daily rant about how I’m feeling. Actually, I don’t know what I want it to be. When I was creating it, my mind was set on writing something worldly, cultured, and…intelligent. Seeing as the whole thing has been on the shelf for several months, though, I’m now not sure about that, either. I guess this means nothing, then, and that I don’t really know what this blog is about. I’m not sure I’m even making sense any more.

So. This is the beginning. Let’s see where we go from here.

Friend of WikiLeaks

April 2012
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The Final Countdown

Submission of PhD ThesisMay 1st, 2013
The big day is here. Joy to the world!